


In which Deadpool breaks the fourth wall. Yes, literally.

by dandelion hands (CaPTiViTY)



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, The Amazing Spider-Man (Movies - Webb)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Characters meet actors, Flirting, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Mentions of the Golden Globes kiss, Romance, So Andrew doesn't like Emma, Spideypool - Freeform, StoneField is my NOTP, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Wade Wilson Breaking the Fourth Wall, golden globes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 21:24:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9460952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaPTiViTY/pseuds/dandelion%20hands
Summary: Deadpool breaks the fourth wall so severly that him and Spider-man wind up at the Golden Globes.





	

**Author's Note:**

> StoneField is my NOTP, aka I do not want Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone together. You can kill me for that if you want but ugh, they just don't fit??? (That's not to say I care about what they do irl that's just to say I'll keep them apart in any fic I write that mentions them lol). I know they dated and broke up (???? I'm pretty sure???) so I tried to hint at there still being some weirdness abt that.
> 
> Anyway. Yes. Go read. It's all very vague and unbelievable, so it should be good.

Peter wasn't sure what had happened.

One moment, he and Wade had been sitting on the rooftop of Oscorp. Wade was rambling about something or other, but Peter honestly couldn't find it in himself to actually listen, so he just stared out over the city and listened to only Wade's tone of voice, just to make sure that Wade didn't talk himself into some kind of episode – and okay, maybe because his voice was kind of pleasant, in a way, but that wasn't the point.

The next thing he knew, everything went black.

“Yo, Spidey! C'mon arachnid-boy, you gotta gimme something here,” was the first thing he heard when he began to come to, feeling a soft slap against his clothed cheek. “Please don't make me actually hit you.”

Peter blinked into full awareness, staring up at Deadpool through the lenses of his mask for a few seconds in confusion. “What the hell happened?”

“I'm not sure,” Wade said. “One moment I was just telling you something, yeah? And then I turn to look at the audience and suddenly we're falling through this vortex, and now here we are!”

Peter sat up slowly, looking at their surroundings with even more confusion. “Here being a supply closet?”

“Apparently, yeah,” Wade nodded, then looked off to the side, not to 'address the audience', which was something Peter had come to recognize from him – his eyes always seemed way too focused, like he was actually looking at something – but rather to mutter something to himself. “No, I don't think that, but thanks for your input, White.”

Peter decided to ignore Wade's crazy for a few seconds as he stood up, looking around at the stuff in the closet with a bit of a shudder. Something about this place felt a bit... off. There was something different about wherever they had ended up, like everything had suddenly lost it's glow.

“You reckon' we should go check the situation out?” Wade asked. “Or should we just stay here and hope we get transported back to Oscorp?”

“We're not just gonna sit here and wait for that,” Peter decided, looking down at where Wade was still crouched on the floor. There wasn't much space in this closet at all, so already Peter was standing directly in front of the door, and he'd barely even moved. “You coming?”

“Yessir!” Wade jumped up. “Let's go!” He seemed way too excited for someone who might have been about to walk into something dangerous.

Peter opened the door slowly, peeking out into the hallway before he decided it was probably safe to assume nobody was guarding the door. He nodded to Wade and then stepped through the doorway completely. The walls in the hallway were white and after the darkness inside the supply closet, the fluorescent lighting just about blinded him. He blinked against the white spots in his vision and then started walking down the hall.

“Uhm... Spidey, where exactly are we going?” Wade asked. “Not that I mind very much if we were to walk into some kind of ambush, but, like, I bet you don't want to do that.”

“My spider-sense isn't going off,” Peter said. “I don't think we need to be wor-” He bumped right into someone.

“Oh!” a weirdly familiar voice exclaimed. “I'm so- uh... what're you wearing?”

Peter, still looking at Wade but not walking anymore, slowly turned towards the owner of the voice. She looked different: her hair was brown and she looked older than he remembered her, but she was still beautiful, and the revealing dress she was wearing only served to prove that.

“Gwen?!”

Gwen cocked her head to the side, seemingly confused. Then, she laughed. “Oh ha ha, Andrew. Very funny! You thought you'd dress up as Spider-man and prank me, huh?”

“I don't...” Peter began, then cut himself off. “Um.”

“C'mon, take off the stupid mask,” the girl – not Gwen? Of course it wasn't Gwen. Gwen was _dead_ – said, moving her hands up to do it for him. Peter jumped back, smack into Wade's chest. When did he move to stand behind him?

“You okay?” Wade asked, sounding almost worried. Peter just nodded.

“Oh, Ryan! You're in on it too? Don't you think you two kind of gave everyone enough of a laugh tonight?” not Gwen said. What she said sounded like it would make sense if they actually were the people she apparently thought she was talking to.

“Listen lady, my name isn't Ryan, so you can just-”

“Ryan! Don't- don't be rude to her!” Peter said nervously. “Uhm... look, we're kind of lost?” he said to not Gwen. “Is there anywhere we're supposed to be going?”

“How about the after-party?” not Gwen answered. She seemed confused again, and Peter sensed that they would have to wrap up this conversation quickly, or she'd realize they weren't 'Andrew and Ryan'. “You can't go wearing _that_ , though. I think that stupid kiss was enough fuel for you guy's fan girls for like a year. Not to mention the press.”

That was it. Peter's brain was fried. Press? Kiss? What on earth was going on?

“Riiiight,” Wade said, grabbing Peter's shoulders. “Yeah, no, wouldn't want to fuel the, um, fan girls even more, now would we?” He laughed, and Peter was almost afraid the merc would say something stupid and get them in trouble, but he wasn't sure how to interrupt him and to be fair, Wade seemed to get what Peter was trying to do. “So Spi- I mean _Andrew_ and I will just go and get into our snazzy little _appropriate_ outfits, and then we'll see you at the party!” He began pushing Peter past not Gwen, who reached out and grabbed Peter's wrist.

“Actually, could we talk?”

“Uh...” Peter wanted to say no, but this woman looked like Gwen and _she had the same eyes_ and he found himself nodding without really thinking about it. “Sure, yeah, what's hanging?”

Not Gwen stared at Wade and cleared her throat.

“Oh!” Peter nodded. “You mean, like, alone? I'm not sure if- I mean I kind of-”

“We really need to get goin'!” Wade clarified. “Like, now, before the hobos that stole our clothes get to Switzerland.”

“What?” not Gwen asked, but Wade pulled Peter away before the conversation could go any further.

Wade dragged Peter into a man's bathroom and finally let go of him, walking in circles around the younger hero as he muttered to himself. Peter would have probably been more worried about the merc's mental state if he wasn't so shocked. Why did that woman look like Gwen? Was someone trying to mess with him?

He couldn't stop thinking about it: she looked _so much_ like Gwen, it was almost creepy. Like Gwen had never died, but instead grown up and become this beautiful woman who for some reason really liked expensive dresses. But it couldn't be true, because Gwen was _dead._ He'd let her die.

“Spider-man!”

Peter became acutely aware of Wade's hands, heavy on his shoulders. Deadpool stood right in front of him, looking almost worried – but then, he was wearing a mask which, despite showing more than a normal mask did, didn't show everything, so Peter couldn't be entirely sure.

“Yeah, what?” Peter asked.

“Are you crying?”

Peter blinked, then realized that his mask had become damp, sticking to his face. “Oh god...”

Wade sighed. “Okay then.” He pulled Peter in for an awkward hug. It was the kind of hug you gave someone when you weren't sure if you were actually allowed to touch them at all, and Peter found himself wishing Wade would pull him closer. “No, Yellow, shut up.”

Peter chuckled through his tears. “What?”

“You don't want to know.”

“I do, so tell me.”

Wade pulled away and stepped back, staring at Peter. Peter kind of missed the contact.

Wade shook his head. “Really, Spidey, you don't want to know. It was a bad thing to think. Yellow sucks.”

Peter reluctantly nodded. He was still curious, but he could sense Wade didn't want to talk about it, and he had was never sure how far he could actually push things with Deadpool. Sometimes he wondered if they were even friends – but then, here he was, in a men's bathroom after possibly having been kidnapped, having just been hugged by the merc.

Wade cleared his throat. “Anyway. We should probably... try to get back to Oscorp?”

“Yeah,” Peter copied Wade, clearing his throat as well. “Let's go.”

This time, as they walked, they didn't run into anyone. The hallways they went through were almost deadly silent. It seemed ominous, and it made the hairs on the back of Peter's neck stand up. His spider-sense wasn't warning him about anything, but he still couldn't help but feel uneasy.

Then, abruptly, the silence ended and was replaced by the noise of people talking. They entered a big hall filled with men and women, all dressed in expensive suits and beautiful dresses. Amongst them, Deadpool and Spider-man stood out immensely, and they froze in the doorway.

Someone came over to them, looking somewhat shocked. He was quite handsome, Peter noticed: he had brown hair – which was starting to turn a little gray around his ears, but it wasn't an eyesore like it was with some people – brown eyes and a bit of stubble. He was smiling, and there were crinkles around his eyes.

He was looking at Wade. “Nice costume, man!”

Peter looked at Wade, who was simply staring at the man.

Then – and Peter was sure he would have missed the movement if he'd blinked – Deadpool grabbed a knife from somewhere on his body and moved forward, pushing the man to the ground and holding the knife against his throat.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?!” Wade yelled. “You think this is funny? 'Let's mess with Deadpool! I'm sure he'll like it if we fuck with his head!'” He dropped the knife, grabbed a gun, and held it to the side of the man's head. “You still think it's funny, you sunofabitch?!”

“Wade!” Peter grabbed Wade's arm, the one that wasn't holding the gun, and tried to pull him off of the man, but Wade pushed him back.

“Not now, Spidey, I'm gonna skin me a bitch.”

“Wade, stop it!” Peter insisted.

The man looked scared, but tried to hold up his hands in a surrendering gesture. By now, the entire hall of people had fallen silent, and they were being watched by hundreds of terrified eyes. Nobody tried to move forwards and help the man, but then Deadpool was heavily armed.

“I'm only gonna ask you one more time,” Wade hissed. “Who. The fuck. Are you?”

“Look, man, obviously you have something against me, but-”

Wade took the safety off. “I'll shoot.”

“Enough, Wade!” Peter said, shooting webs towards him and forcefully pulling him off the man. “Don't make me web you to a wall, okay? We're supposed to be above that by now.”

“I'm gonna fucking kill him, Spidey!” Wade said. “He's fucking with me!”

Peter stepped forwards. He'd let Wade go after making sure he wouldn't step forward again, and now slowly inched the gun from his grip, putting the safety back on. “Nobody is fucking with you.”

“He is!” Wade, beneath his mask, looked absolutely terrified. Peter had never seen him like that before. It was deeply unsettling.

He looked back at the man, who had sat up and was gaping at the two of them openly. A woman ran towards them out of the crowd and dropped down next to him. She had blonde hair and blue eyes and was very pretty. She looked kind. “Ryan, sweetie, are you okay?”

The man, 'Ryan', didn't answer. Peter looked from him to Deadpool and back. Hadn't the girl who looked like Gwen referred to Wade as Ryan?

“Please tell me this is some kind of joke,” the woman said to Ryan, and Peter looked back at them. “This is some kind of stunt, right?”

Deadpool started whimpering.

“If it is,” Ryan said, “this is the first I know about it.”

“I'll fucking kill you!” Wade suddenly exclaimed, reaching for another one of his guns.

Peter had him webbed up against the wall before he could actually grab it. “No killing!”

Wade began trashing against the spiderweb holding him to the wall, right next to the double doors they'd come through. Not Gwen was standing in the doorway now, wide-eyed. How long had she been standing there? Peter's spider-sense hadn't warned him, but of course she wasn't really doing anything.

“He's a fucking clone, or a shapeshifter, or a-” Wade abruptly stopped yelling and began muttering to himself. It was something of a chant, and Peter recognized it as a sign of the merc being lost in his own head. There was no reasoning with him right now. If Peter let him go, he'd surely kill everyone in the room.

“Okay, seriously,” Ryan said, standing up. Peter looked back at him with a glare, but of course Ryan couldn't see that glare, because Peter was wearing a mask. “What the actual fucking fuck.”

Peter's eyes widened.

That was Wade's voice.

He hadn't noticed it before, because Ryan sounded a lot calmer than Wade usually did, but now Ryan was beginning to sound a bit frantic, and there was no mistaking it. His voice was exactly the same as Deadpool's.

And then someone else appeared from the crowd, and something started to dawn on Peter.

The man looked like Peter – with a different hairstyle and wearing a tuxedo that Peter could never afford, but they looked alike all the same. The same eyes, the same nose, the same ears, the same mouth, even the same fucking chin.

“Okay, dude,” Peter said. “Something here is entirely not right.”

“No fucking shit!” Deadpool said, finally snapping himself out of whatever trance he'd previously been in. “Now get me out of these fucking restraints so I can kill some fuckers!”

“You're not gonna kill anyone, Wade!” Peter said, turning to him with a scowl. He really wished his mask was more like Deadpool's, so people could actually see his expression. “You're overreacting.”

“Fuck overreacting! That guy looks like me!” Wade yelled. “Before I got all fucked up like a fucking avocado!”

“Yeah, well-” Peter began, then stopped himself from saying that the other guy looked like himself. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “People can hardly control what they look like, okay? Please calm down.”

“Somebody needs to explain what's going on, is this some kind of show?” the man who looked like Peter asked. He had a British accent, but there was still something familiar about his voice.

Wade instantly stilled. “Holey fucktitties.” He looked at Peter excitedly. “That guy sounds like you! Damn, you're hot when you're British.”

“Shut up, Wade.”

Still, the knowledge seemed to calm the merc down a little, looking at Peter's lookalike curiously, so it wasn't entirely bad that he'd come to this conclusion. Peter let out a breath through his nose and turned to the man who looked like him, cocking his head to the side. “This isn't a show.”

“The fuck it isn't,” Ryan cut in. “You guys- and we- and-”

“I got it!” Wade suddenly yelled. It was as if everyone in the room turned to him at the same time. Peter had almost forgotten they had an audience. He wondered why they hadn't run out screaming the moment Wade pulled out a gun. Everyone seemed convinced this was a show of some kind – which was just weird. Why the fuck would Deadpool and Spider-man show up at some kind of rich people event and put on a show? “I broke the fourth wall.”

“Deadpool,” Peter said. “You do that all the time. I don't think talking to the people in your head is enough to get us in this much trouble.”

“ _No_ , Spidey,” Wade seemed annoyed. “I actually _broke_ the fourth wall. Like, smashed it into a million pieces and fucked myself with the shards.” Wade seemed happy to let that image sink in for a few seconds, and then he looked at Ryan. “So you're like, Ryan Reynolds, then? Big fan. Big fan.”

“Uhm...” Ryan Reynolds nodded slowly. “Alright, I'll play. Thanks. Deadpool, then? I'm also a big fan.”

“Thank you!” Deadpool said happily, side-eying Peter. “Can you let me go now, Webs? I _promise_ I won't kill anyone unless they really, _really_ piss me off.” He looked at the man that looked like Peter. “Especially your sexy voice-companion over there. Rawr.”

Peter sighed, but stepped towards Wade and pulled the webbing off of him. It fell to the ground with a thump, and Wade skipped over to Ryan happily, holding out his hand.

“Sorry for tryin' to kill ya just now.”

“Yeah... that's okay.”

Talking was starting up around them again. Apparently, people were getting bored with 'the show'.

“Wait!” Wade gasped, bringing his hands to his mouth and giving Peter a happy look. “That means that must be the guy that plays you!” He pointed at Peter's lookalike. “Which means that technically, I've finally seen your face!”

“Okay, I'm confused,” Peter's lookalike admitted.

Not Gwen had come forwards, apparently feeling safer now that Wade wasn't waving a gun around, and stared from Wade to Peter and back. “Me too. I thought you guys were...” she trailed off, looking from Peter to his lookalike. “Andy, his voice is _so much_ like yours. I ran into them earlier and I honestly thought he was you!”

“I think someone's playing a prank,” 'Andy' said, looking at not Gwen. There was something there, a sort of hurt – it wasn't hate, exactly, but it seemed like he didn't like having to talk to the woman very much.

Meanwhile, Wade was rambling to Ryan about one thing or another. Ryan and the other woman seemed to be unable to follow what exactly he was saying, and when Peter tuned into their conversation, he only heard the words 'pussy' and 'enchiladas'. How did he even get those in the same sentence?

“Okay, Wade,” Peter pulled at his arm. “What did you say about the fouth wall? I don't get it.”

“I broke it.” Wade repeated, which just made Peter stare at him blankly. “Like, in a literal sense. I smashed us through it. I'm not sure how, but I like it.”

“Fine, okay...” Peter said slowly. It felt weird, accepting Wade's fourth wall claims as the truth, but right now, the only other explanation he could think of were aliens, and he really didn't want to deal with aliens. “So how do we get back?”

Wade shrugged. “Dunno.”

“Well, that doesn't help.”

“Hold up.” Not Gwen held up her hands in a 'stop' signal. “So what you two are saying-” she pointed first at Wade, and then at Peter, “-is that you two are like, the _actual_ characters from the _actual_ movies?”

“Comic book works too, in my case,” Wade said. “I mean, I think? There's some major differences, but they always get confused in my head on account of all the alternate universes I live in at the same time.” He pointed at Peter. “Spidey here is definitely from the movie-verse, though.”

“I'm not from a movie!” Peter protested. “I'm a real person, and so are you, this is-”

“Just calm down, Webs, denying this isn't gonna get us anywhere.”

“Acting insane isn't, either!” Deadpool seemed hurt by that. Peter almost wanted to take it back. “Look, I'm sorry, but-” he shook his head. “Jesus.”

“I think we all need to calm down,” the woman with Ryan said. “And maybe go somewhere private.”

“You don't _seriously_ believe this?” Ryan asked her, to which the woman just shrugged.

Maybe Peter was in a bit of a shock, because the next thing he knew, they were all in a small, considerably quieter room together – although they could still hear noises from the hall just a little bit. Deadpool was constantly staring at Ryan and Andy, which seemed to creep them out quite a bit, and Peter found himself pacing around, unsure of what to do.

Could they really have ended up in a different universe? One where him and Wade weren't real?

“Okay, I guess nobody is going to say it, so I will,” Andy said. “This is really fucking weird.” He looked at Peter, sort of in amazement, and Peter realized that somehow, his mask had made it's way into his hands. When had he taken it off?

“I think we've established that,” Ryan agreed.

“I think nobody is going to say _this_ , so I will,” Deapool said to Andy. “You, me and Spidey should have a threesome.”

“Wade, I will fucking web you to the wall again.” Peter said through gritted teeth.

“What? I'm just saying,” Deadpool nodded to Andy. “He looks like you a lot, and you're a lot hotter than I thought you'd be, jailbait.”

“Shut up!” Peter sat down against the wall, head in his hands. “Do you even realize what is going on? We're stuck in a different universe, and _we don't know how to get back_!”

“I think we all just need to calm down and take a few breaths,” not Gwen decided to pipe up. “This is all really weird, but it's happening and we have to deal with it.”

“Oh, please Emma, when do you ever deal with anything?” Andy asked, and Deadpool whistled.

“I smell a burn!”

“Aunt May's still back in New York, and- and- and what if someone invades, or something? What if the city needs my help?” Peter was beginning to get panicked. He didn't like situations that he had absolutely no control over.

Wade sighed, crouching down in front of him. “New York still has the Avengers. The world won't end just because you're temporarily not in it, okay? Please calm down, I don't like being the level-headed one at all. Pretty out of character for me.”

Peter pressed the palms of his gloved hands against his eyes.

“Oh, c'mon, don't cry again. I really don't know how to help when you cry.”

“I'm not crying,” Peter said, but his voice was wavering.

The room was silent for a few seconds, and then Ryan decided to speak. “Have you two never traveled through universes before?”

“I have,” Wade said. “But I had some help, then. I'm not sure how to get us back without that help.”

Peter decided at that moment to tune everything out. He needed to get his thoughts in order, or he'd surely lose it, and since the only familiar person with him was someone who was in a constant state of heaving lost it – although he seemed to be doing pretty well right now – that didn't seem like much of an option.

“Okay,” he said after about five minutes, loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. In the five minutes it took for Peter to gather his thoughts, some kind of fight had started, but they all shut up to listen to him when he spoke. He looked up and stared at Wade. “We need, like, a communicator of some kind. They work through multiple universes, right? If we let the Avengers know where we are maybe they can get us back.”

“We don't _have_ a communicator, Spidey,” Wade reminded him. “Unless you happened to have one on you when the wall broke, but I sure didn't.”

“No, but maybe I can make one,” Peter explained. “Tony showed me how to do it once. I think I could use one of my webshooters, and maybe a- a- a- a cellphone, or an Ipad or something.” He paused for a second. “Ideally I'd need an arc reactor, but I think if I use regular batteries it should be just enough for a really short conversation. I'm not sure how much power a connection from different universes would require.”

“Those are quite a few 'if's' and 'maybe's',” the woman with Ryan said. “But you can use my phone, if you want.”

“Okay, yeah, great. Thanks...”

“Blake.”

“Right. Thanks Blake.” Peter stood up, took a deep breath, and removed one of his webshooters from his wrists. “Then all I need is like, a screwdriver and some batteries.”

“Screwdriver!” Wade exclaimed, getting one from his belt. “You might want to wash the handle.”

Peter frowned. “Do I want to know why?”

“Probably not.”

“Great.” Peter was glad he was wearing gloves. “Thanks.”

“I have some batteries!” Emma said, “They're in my purse. I'll just go get them. Andrew, come with me.” She grabbed Andy – or Andrew, then? - his wrist and pulled him out of the room with her just as Blake was handing Peter her cellphone.

There was a table in the corner of the room, and Peter walked over to it and dropped the things on it. It wasn't much to work with, and he honestly doubted he could make anything useful out of any of this – especially something as complicated as a communicator – but he had to try.

He began to break down his web shooter, pulling apart the pieces carefully and discarding anything that he was sure he couldn't use. He could feel Wade standing right behind him, as well as Blake and Ryan, and looked back at them with a raised eyebrow. “Can you guys please not hover? I don't work well under pressure.”

“I was just looking at your ass,” Wade said. “But okay, I'll just go sit over there and stare from a distance, instead.” He sauntered off.

Peter felt his entire face go red and shook his head to himself. Since when did Deadpool's comments actually have any kind of effect on him?

Ryan and Blake both seemed to want to pretend like they hadn't just witnessed that, and so Peter quickly changed the subject. “Hey, did I drop a little screw or something? I think I'm missing one.”

“Uh...” Ryan looked at the floor. “Yeah, there it is!” He picked it up and put it back on the table.

Andrew and Emma came back a few minutes later, and Emma handed Peter a whole pack of batteries. “I hope they're okay.”

“I'll manage,” Peter muttered, already caught up enough in his work that he completely forgot to thank her.

“I love it when you get all science-y, Spidey,” Wade said from where he'd sat down on the ground. “Nerd is the new sexy.”

“Are you two like, together?” Andrew asked. “And why don't you just call him Peter?”

Peter froze.

“Ha!” Wade shook his head. “Jailbait over there wishes he was my boo! But nah, he'd much rather swing around New York all brooding and single.”

“Stop calling me jailbait. I'm twenty two,” Peter said, scowling at Wade. He then looked back at Andrew. “And he doesn't call me Peter because I never told him my name.” For some reason, he wasn't as upset by the loss of his secret identity as he thought he'd be. It was just Wade. Wade could keep a secret – well, actually, he probably couldn't, but Peter would make him.

“Oh... sorry,” Andrew muttered.

“S'fine.” Peter looked back at what he was doing.

“It is?” Wade seemed surprised. “Baby boy, you do care!”

Peter rolled his eyes, smiling a bit. “I really need to focus on this now.”

For about fifteen minutes, the room was completely silent. Even Wade didn't say anything, which was a new for him. Peter would have been worried about it if he wasn't so busy.

Finally, he held up the weird cellphone-like device he'd created. He'd pulled the phone apart as well, putting it back together until it looked like the device Tony had shown him a few weeks ago. He couldn't be sure that it would work, but he could try.

He pressed the button and said, into to what had once been the phone's microphone: “Stark, are you there?”

Nothing.

“Stark?”

Only silence.

“Great.” Peter shook his head. “I don't think it-”

“ _What the fuck do you want at two fucking AM, Spider-man?”_

“It works!” Wade said in an almost girlish squeak. “Oh my god it fucking works!”

“We don't know for how long,” Peter reminded him and pressed the button again, talking as quickly as he could. “Listen Stark, Deadpool and I are stuck in a universe where everything from our world is fictional and we don't know how to get back. We really need your help.”

“ _You're in the R5 universe?”_ Tony asked. He sounded groggy, although Peter knew for sure that he couldn't have been asleep yet. Tony's earliest bedtime was five AM. _“How the hell did you even get there?”_

“I don't know, but we really need to get back.”

Everyone held their breath in anticipation for Tony's answer, but none came.

“Tony?”

“Great, I think that was the battery,” Wade said. “Well, you tried Petey-pie, guess we're stuck here.”

“We're _not_ stuck here!” Peter snapped. “We're not.” He breathed in, and out, and in again, and honestly he felt like he might have started hyperventilating if it hadn't been for Andrew putting a hand loosely on his shoulder.

“It'll be alright, mate. Uhm... Tony seemed to know what you meant when you explained where you guys are, right? So maybe he'll still find you guys.” He shrugged. “Until then, you can't tell me this is the worst place you could be stuck in... There's stuff to do here.”

“I want to see the Deadpool movie!” Wade exclaimed. “It must be the awesome-est movie ever!” He jumped up from where he'd set himself down on the ground and threw an arm around Peter's shoulders. “C'mon, baby boy, we'll have a laugh before we leave!”

Peter felt exhausted. Really, all he wanted was to go to sleep and wake up to find that all of this had been some wacky dream. If anyone asked, that's why he leaned into Wade's touch, even if it was just a little bit. He felt defeated. He just wanted to go home.

Wade noticed the slumping of Peter's shoulder and squeezed him closer. He didn't say anything, but then Deadpool wasn't really the comforting type.

“Or we can just find a place to crash?”

“Yeah,” Peter agreed. “Please?”

“I have a room in a hotel near here,” Emma said. “You guys can stay there, I'll just stay with Andrew.”

“You will?” Andrew asked, he didn't seem too happy about it.

“Yes.”

Andrew sighed. “Okay then.”

Emma began rummaging through the purse she had brought with her and took out a key card, handing it to Peter. “It's the hotel down the street, the one with the big purple signs, I forgot the name, but you can't really miss it. Room 63.”

“Thank you,” Peter smiled, then looked at Blake. “I'm sorry about your phone.”

“Don't be stupid, I offered it.”

“Let's go!” Wade said. “We need a good night's rest, Petey! I wanna look around this world tomorrow, see how different it is.”

_Tomorrow_ , Peter thought. _I want to be home tomorrow._

“Hey, let's meet somewhere tomorrow,” Blake offered. “We can regroup, maybe see if we can find a stronger battery for your communicator.”

Peter looked down at the device in his hand. “Maybe.”

“There's a coffee shop a few blocks from here, it's called _Aliments et boissons_ ,” Emma said. “Let's meet there for lunch. Say, twelve?”

“Yes, okay,” Peter agreed, looking around at the others to make sure that was okay. It seemed to be. “Thanks for helping, really.”

“Don't worry about it,” Andrew said.

Looking back, Peter honestly can't say how he and Wade got to the hotel. He thinks Deadpool might have dragged him along, and someone might have stopped them to take a picture, but the next thing he knew, he fell against the soft covers of a bed and watched Wade as he moved around the room, looking at various objects as if he'd never seen them before and muttering to the voices in his head.

“Wade,” Peter muttered, half sitting up. “Wade.”

“And I know tacos are best in Mexico but we're not in Mexico, we're in... well I don't know where we are but it looks like America, and-”

“Wade!”

“Hmm?” The merc looked back at him, and it occurred to Peter that _Wade was stuck here as well_. He had a daughter in their world. Peter had aunt May to get back to, but Wade had Ellie, and Peter had just been wallowing in his own self-pity.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, fine, why?” Wade seemed genuinely surprised, but Peter could tell it was fake.

“We're stuck here.”

“I know,” Wade nodded. “We are. But... we'll get back, right? You're smart. Tony's smart. Someone will get us back.” He tensed, clenching his fist. “ _No_.”

Peter recognized the far away look Wade got when he talked to the boxes and sighed, patting the spot on the bed next to him. “C'mere.”

“What?” Wade shook his head. “Baby boy, I can sleep on the floor, it's fine.”

“Yeah, well, I want you here,” Peter said. “Please?”

Wade paused, seemingly uncertain, and then slowly stepped towards him. “Are you sure?”

“Just come here.”

In just a few steps, Wade was next to him, laying down with his head on the pillow. Peter lowered himself until they were eye-level and smiled. It occurred to him that he still hadn't put his mask back on. He wasn't even sure where it was. Wade was wearing his, though. He'd been wearing it all day. He must have been suffocating at this point.

“Can I do something?” Peter asked, uncertain.

“What?”

Peter slowly moved his hands up. They were still gloved. Now that he thought about it, he was kind of itching to get out of his spider-man suit. Latex did not breathe well.

Wade grabbed his wrist. “No.”

“Please?” Peter asked. “You've seen my face. Two of them, in fact.”

“That's not fair,” Wade said. “You're beautiful and I'm the human equivalent of a zombie and the hate child of Spongebob and Patrick on drugs.”

Peter sucked in a breath. He wasn't sure what was wrong with him today. Wade's comments never got to him like this.

But now it was just them together, and Wade was being serious for once and their faces were so incredibly close together, and Peter didn't care what the merc looked like. He was good. He was amazing.

“You think I'm beautiful?”

“I think you're the most beautiful person I have ever seen,” Wade admitted. “But that has nothing to do with your face. I always thought that.”

“Wade.”

“Peter.”

“I really want to kiss you.” Peter hooked his finger under Wade's mask. “Please?”

Their eyes met. For once, Peter really couldn't determine Wade's expression through the mask, and for the first time, he really wished that he could.

Wade let out a shuddery breath. “It better be a really good kiss.”

Peter didn't even really look at Wade's face when he pulled the mask off. He closed his eyes and softly pressed his lips to the merc's, feeling Wade slowly relax into it. Peter had never quite kissed anyone like this before. There was something behind it, something he couldn't really place. It was love. It was affection.

But it was also something else.

“Baby boy,” Wade gasped when they pulled away. His eyes were closed now, and Peter took the time to finally really look at him. Wade didn't look nearly as bad as he seemed to think: sure, there were scars, but if Peter really looked, he could still see the handsome features he had apparently had before.

Not that he cared, anyway.

“Wade?”

“Yes?”

“I think you're beautiful, too.”

Wade opened his eyes. “You don't have to lie.”

“I'm not lying,” Peter promised, kissing Wade again. “Please believe me?”

Wade looked into Peter's eyes, searching for a lie there. He wouldn't find one.

“Why is this suddenly happening?” He wondered, brushing some of Peter's messy hair out of his face. “Why now?”

“I don't know,” Peter admitted. “All your flirting has just been getting to me, I guess... I kind of like it.”

“I don't flirt _that_ much,” Wade teased with a smile. “You're just weak-minded.”

“Sure, whatever you say.”

They kissed again, but something was different again. This time, Peter did recognize it. It was lust, and it wasn't just coming from Wade.

And then Wade had to go and _snort._

Peter pulled away. “What? Too eager?”

“Never, baby boy, it's just...” Wade chuckled. “Do you remember earlier, when we were hugging and I didn't want to tell you what Yellow was saying?”

“Yeah?” Peter asked, feeling worried all of a sudden. “What about it?”

“Yellow... he told me to kiss you. He said you wanted me to.”

“I think part of me did,” Peter admitted. “When you were hugging me. Part of me just wished you'd pull me closer and kiss me already, so I guess Yellow was right.”

“Well, let's make up for lost time then,” Wade said eagerly. “I wanna kiss you until our lips bleed.”

“Isn't that a little extreme?”

“Not nearly extreme enough.”

Peter couldn't stop smiling. He almost felt as if his face was going to break in half, he was grinning so hard. It wasn't just that he felt happy, it was that he felt happier than he had been in a long time. He felt like a piece that was missing had been clicked into place.

But that, of course, was a much too sappy thing to think after kissing someone for the first time. This entire thing was beginning to border on overly romantic, if Peter was being honest, and that just wasn't their thing.

“We should really get some sleep,” he decided. “I wanna try and find a better battery tomorrow.” He stood up, beginning to pull off the top of his suit. “Uhm... you don't mind if I sleep in my boxers, do you? I hate sleeping in my suit.”

“Go right ahead,” Wade grinned. “There is not a universe in existence where I would ever mind seeing your beautiful body.”

“That's really cliché,” Peter grinned, pulling off the pants of his suit as well. The air felt cool against his bare skin, and he quickly crawled beneath the covers. “Get out of that spandex and cuddle with me.”

“Are you sure?” Wade asked. “This isn't just my face, you know.” He pointed at his face. “My... well, my everything looks this fucked up.”

“Don't care. You're like a human stove and I'm cold.”

Wade grinned.

That night, Peter dreamed of an island. He and Wade were stranded there, and Wade looked like he did before Weapon X. They were kissing as they watched the sun set, and everything felt perfect for a bit.

He woke up abruptly, and the illusion shattered.

“Why the _hell_ are you all cuddled up with Wade _fucking_ Wilson?”

Tony Stark was stood over them. They – and the entire bed as well – had been transported right into Stark tower. At the sound of Tony's voice, Wade sat up with a start and produced a knife from – Peter couldn't even begin to imagine where. He calmed down significantly when he noticed where they were and hid his face against Peter's neck. Peter felt suddenly guilty for making him take off his mask. He knew how Wade felt about people seeing his face.

“Uhm...” Peter said. “No hablo inglés?”

“Very funny,” Tony crossed his arms. “Does this mean I'm gonna have to deal with you two being all disgusting and couple-y now?”

“Possibly.” Wade's voice was muffled against Peter's neck.

“Fine.” Tony rolled his eyes. “Well, I got you two back, as you probably never heard me promise, so now get out of my tower and go be disgusting somewhere else.”

“Well, you see,” Peter began with a chuckle, “I think our clothes are still in the other world.”

“Great,” Tony said. “I have to do everything around here, don't I? JARVIS, ask Natasha to come bring two spare Spider-man costumes, please?” He eyed Wade. “I don't have any Deadpool ones.”

“No problem, metal man,” Wade had finally pulled himself away from Peter's neck. “So are we really back?”

“Yes,” Tony said. “Amazing, I know. No need to thank me, all I did was defy the laws of nature.”

“Okay,” Wade said, then frowned when Tony glared at him. “What? You said not to thank you!”

Peter snorted.

_Fin._

**Author's Note:**

> ((Meanwhile, in the real world, four actors decided that they must have all gotten really baked last night.))


End file.
